


The Ratings Game

by seekergeek



Category: Stargate Atlantis
Genre: Gen, Humor
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2012-04-28
Updated: 2012-04-28
Packaged: 2017-11-04 11:04:28
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 813
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/393120
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/seekergeek/pseuds/seekergeek
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Chuck does his bit for the entertainment-deprived masses of Atlantis.</p>
            </blockquote>





	The Ratings Game

Watching the gate teams come through got pretty hilarious at times, Chuck thought. Even those that didn't come through hot still frequently had something that had gone wrong. It was apparently a rule in the Pegasus galaxy that the Atlantians had to be screwed with in some fashion before they got to go home.

It had gotten to the point where Chuck had come up with a rating system for gate returns and he posted the daily winner's score and security footage on the Atlantis internet. He felt like he was providing a public service because it gave some sorely needed distraction to the entertainment-starved Atlantians who missed watching TV. He even held an award ceremony at the New Year's party where he gave out little Athosian clay statues to the various teams for especially memorable gate arrivals. He got a particular kick out of the disgust Team Sheppard showed about the time they'd received their fifth or sixth award that night.

The point scale went from 1-5 and covered 5 different categories: athleticism, humor, whining, injuries, and the ever popular creativity. Creativity was better known as the 'Oh my god, they did WHAT?!' category as it covered some of the more unusual things that had happened to teams in the past. Like, for example, when Fernandez' team came through the gate naked, painted purple, and singing ABBA's greatest hits.

The rating system wasn't perfect, Chuck acknowledged to himself. No one could get a perfect score as the humor and injuries subscores tended to be inversely proportional to one another. But it didn't seem fair to Chuck to boot the injured out of the game just because of their bad luck on a mission. Besides, sometimes Sheppard's team got really creative and even their injuries could be considered rather funny. Everyone admitted that Ronon coming through stuck so full of blow darts that he looked like a porcupine had been pretty hilarious; especially once Beckett confirmed that it was a sedative and not a poison coating the darts that had made Ronon eventually keel over in the infirmary.

Some people complained about the whining category to Chuck because they thought that Sheppard's team had an unfair advantage in the form of Dr. McKay. It was true that McKay was a champion whiner, but Chuck stuck to his guns because when it came right down to it, Lorne's team were bigger whiners overall. Especially after that one mission where they had gotten food poisoning and skunked. Well, something like skunked. It was actually a huge orange lizard that had spat on them, but the odor was just as disgusting.

Hands down, the best showing so far of athleticism had to be Cadman's team, Chuck mused. Cadman's team of four had come through the gate in mid-backflip and every single one of them had managed to land on their feet and stay standing. The entire gateroom had given them a standing ovation and that particular tape had gone into the 'Best of' files to be shown at the Christmas party. It definitely beat out Team Sheppard diving through the gate from Olesia and landing in an enormous puppy pile on the floor of the Gateroom the previous month. Although that tape also made its way into the files for the Christmas party.

The gate exploded open and Chuck brought up the shield and waited for an IDC. As soon as he got Teyla Emmagen's IDC he lowered the shield and told her they were clear to come through. McKay came through first, stumbling uncontrollably, arms windmilling and cursing wildly before he finally lost his balance completely and faceplanted into the floor. He lay there moaning about why should he suffer from Ronon's terminal case of testosterone poisoning and how none of what happened on the planet was his fault and his nose was broken, he was sure of it, someone call a damn doctor before the bone shards made their way into his highly valuable brain. Ronon came staggering in next, looking drunk, pissed and splattered with some kind of blue goo. Then Teyla came through, also splattered with goo and muttering imprecations against the Ancestors who'd seen fit to saddle her with a group of morons for a team as she dragged Sheppard behind her who was wearing nothing but a few garlands and a...what was he wearing, anyway?

Sheppard shot a loopy grin up at Chuck through a garland that was draped over one eye and reached down to hitch the multicolored...whatever it was... back up over his hips right before it slid off entirely. "Chucky!" he shouted in the manner of the utterly stoned. "What's our score today?"

Chuck's smile widened and he replied, "Oh, I think I'd give this an 18, sir." Yep. Team Sheppard definitely had a clear lead on best gate return of the day once again.


End file.
